Before you graduate, they say,
you've got a long way ahead of you
this is not the end
your life will be filled with fun.
They don't tell you,
suddenly every single choice you make in life will determine what kind of future you'll have. Whether you're applying to a university or not, if you are then what faculty and course. And every single choice you make will be judged over and over again by people you know, people you care, people who don't know you, strangers.
They don't tell you,
that before you graduate, you should know what you want to do, you should have ACHIEVABLE dreams. Fight for your dreams? Bullshit. If you know you don't have the monetary ability or the grades to get a scholarship to study overseas in a course you've been dreaming on throughout your senior life, stop it. STOP DREAMING. Ditch those dreams and leave them in the backyard because they will turn around and bite you. They will remind you every day if what you wanted to be and how you'll never be able to because you realised you had to work hard too late or you just weren't born with a silver spoon in your mouth. Too bad. Life sucks.
They don't tell you,
the reason you wake up every day from now until your university starts doesn't exist. You don't wake up to go to school to meet your friends or to learn new things. You don't wake up to knowing you have deadlines to meet and rushing them with your friends, staying over night together and being zombies together. You wake up every day alone, either heading off to work or just wishing your time away. Every day, plagued with decisions you need to make, about your future and wishing you were in high school for one more year so you can spend your time wisely to figure out what is it you want to accomplish in your life.
It's been a reality check for the past 5 months out of high school. It's been a kick in the gut, no actually, several kicks in the gut. It's like being spitted on over and over again, day after day. It's the not knowing that kills. Not knowing exactly what you want in your life but needing to decide it now that strangles you over and over again.
And yet, 5 months from now, I still don't know what I want.
Times like this where I wish I can just open a fortune cookie that tells me what I need to do - but we all know those aren't real yet I just want to believe in something that won't judge me for my choices. An objective view with no bias. A way to end this misery.
